My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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