This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
