If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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