When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
