Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
