Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
