am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
