I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
