Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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