end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She even gives head with a lisp.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
