omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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