Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
