Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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