I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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