You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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