at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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