sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
