Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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