i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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