Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Say something about gay babies.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
