Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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