Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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