I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You ruined the universe
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
