Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
