think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
