I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You may now shotgun with the bride
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
