I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
