I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
