I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
