Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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