I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
