I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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