Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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