at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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