You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
