I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
