I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
It's just like the Real World with babies
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
