the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
