Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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