my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I love you. Go after that dick
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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