I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
