can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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