Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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