Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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