I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
