I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
