im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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