i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
