Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you inspire me to be a worse person
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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