you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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