Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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