Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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