got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I love having hate sex.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
