Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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