I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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