she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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