this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
