just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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