Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
